A few weeks ago, my parents came to town to visit even though in a few short weeks, we would be coming to Minnesota for an extended two month stay with them in order to have some good time in with my Mom and my family while she is still feeling well.
We were in the kitchen, and Kaylen went running up to Mima, my Mom, and just threw her arms around her and said, "I love you, Mima!". It's the kind of I love yous that I live for. For no reason at all, driving in the car, sitting next to me on the couch while watching her show, just hanging out... for no reason, I love you. I try to say it to her as much as I can and as random as I can, so that she never questions how much I love her, but to hear it from her makes my world stop just for a minute. And in that minute, my heart is truly truly happy.
And it was in that same minute that she said it to my Mom, the way she did, that makes my heart truly happy and in the same moment, completely break. She knows the love of my Mom right now in all the ways she should. In the ways I want her to remember forever. It truly crushes me at my core to know that someday, she won't be able to go running up to her and just say it. When you have to look cancer square in the face, it truly sucks. You feel time weigh down on you like never before. Because we just don't know what kind of time we get, with my Mom, with anyone. But the fear of losing my parents has forever weighed on me and now that I have to face it, I hate it all the more for my children.
It is the reason we came. The reason we put our Oregon lives on pause to come to Minnesota, knowing it would be hard in many ways on all of us, but with the hope that we would make some day to day, etched in stone, forever in memory, pictures to reflect them, moments in time we can have forever. I want Kaylen to never forget. And when I look at our sweet son, knowing there is the chance he won't get the kind of time that Kaylen has had, that he might not remember, my heart aches in a way now I hate to understand. And those, including my Mom, that have said, she won't remember me, or he won't know what he's missing, I think that's the most unacceptable part of it all. That's not fair. It's utter garbage. I will know. I will know what both of them miss out on. The energy that she always gives, to the last ounce, before and even after she was diagnosed with lung cancer, the time she spent/ spends doting on them, reading, then playing, then doing puzzles, then singing, shopping, then gardening, baking, then adventuring, until she has no energy left, just to see these kids happy.... I WILL KNOW. I will know what they're missing out on and THAT is what completely breaks my heart.
My children have been blessed with amazing grandparents and I am so grateful. They have four incredible people who all love them with all their heart who will stop what they're doing to love them, to help them, to encourage them, and to help and support us. I am so grateful. Just prior to coming to Minnesota, my job made me come into work after maternity leave for the two plus weeks prior to the trip because I was local and wasn't allowed to telework. Cherie came, dropped everything, and came and took care of a three month old and a five year old which is no easy task. Completely saved me. My parents extended their stay earlier this year to take Kaylen to get her cavities filled because I couldn't because I was pregnant, Warren offered to let me go back to sleep early one morning while we passed through Star Valley on this road trip so he could bond with his brand new grandson and give me a little more sleep. My Dad has offered more times than I can count to fly out to help us and always assures us they will be there if we need them. The day when any one of these people are gone, the world will stop as I know it.
And the minute that Kaylen said I love you to my Mom exactly the way she did, exactly how she did, made me want to stop time right then and there. Even though this cancer is forcing me to face an aspect of my future I don't want to know, I will never be ready to lose her. Right now, I have a husband who works so hard and often has to spread himself so thin to make all facets of this crazy journey come full circle, I am so proud of him and thankful for him. I have two incredible, beautiful, wonderful children who literally make my heart explode with a love I could not have imagined. And we have four grandparents who love and support us and our children and dote on them in a way that is irreplaceable. Each loves them and shows them in their own way and each is so important. Kaylen is just now really getting to know on a more personal level all of her Aunts and Uncles and completely adores them. Distance makes it hard when we see just how much she loves them. And Everett is sure to follow suit.
We are incredibly blessed. Times are not always easy, but at the end of the day, we have now and we have today. And as I sit here and type this just weeks later in a struggle to combine multiple grown adults and families into my childhood home, that the good times are what I want to carry with me and I play the biggest role in my every day. I have the choice to not sweat the small stuff and make the most of the time we have. We came because this was what we wanted for our family, to know and have as much time with these people who love them because we started to feel God's clock. It's important for me to remember that we all have a clock. And in every aspect of our lives, we should make the most of the time we have. It just doesn't make sense not to. I will never EVER be ready.
1 comment:
Jenica,
That was beautifully written. I can't imagine what you are going through. I am so glad that you have this time with your mom and dad. I hope this Christmas is wonderful for all of you.
Steph
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