Denial can be a beautiful and harmful thing all at the same time. I've gone through my phases with my Mom's diagnosis of lung cancer, but the first year of treatment, all in all, went well, everything considered. Small cell lung cancer is a difficult cancer to "beat", but she was as successful as she could be buying more time. Her oncologist remained positive that her treatments were working and though there have been hard times for her, overall, she maintained a level of energy it took to live her life.
When the news first came, it hit me hard. Hard, hard. I flew out to Minnesota immediately, leaving my husband and daughter alone for Thanksgiving to be with my Mom for a few days last year. Those couple months were rough as the dreams I had of making it closer to my parents as they were getting older would most likely come not soon enough. That my children would not be able to create all the memories I dreamed of them having with my parents, in their home, at their river house. To be doted on for years to come the way my Mom always seemed to find the energy to do. That we could be around to help, have dinners, take trips. That they would be able to enjoy a night here and there with the kids as Gregg and I enjoyed a date night out. These dreams would be just dreams. The memories we have made and would continue to make in the time we have left will be what we live on for the rest of our lives. AND IT BREAKS MY HEART. It is never enough, there will never be enough time with the people we love. The memories I have, that my family has, that my daughter has of my Mom and my parents will never be enough. I want MORE.
And though I have grieved the future and had my bouts with denial as my Mom's energy has been pretty good here and there with the visits we have had from them in Portland, this week it hits again HARD.
My Mom is like I've never seen her. She can hardly walk, talk, function, much less do all the things she typically does being her busy bee self. She has taken out things to clean the bathroom or makes offers to help with dinner and I KNOW this won't happen. It didn't happen yesterday and it won't happen today. She offers to help with Everett, to hold him, to watch him while I try to work and I know she can't. There have been sugar cookies made for a week with frosting she colored for Kaylen to put the final touches on it sitting on the counter for a week. Sure, I could do it with Kaylen amidst trying to take care of other things that have to happen for both families, but the point is. I CAN'T do it. It is what they do. They make cookies on their visits. My MOM makes these cookies with Kaylen at Christmas. I CAN'T DO IT. I can make my own with her in my house when my Mom isn't there, but I CAN'T do these cookies. I am waiting. Waiting for my Mom to feel better. But the truth is, we don't know when or if she will. They say this could be the effects of the chemo, but if that is so, is this the point where people have to consider their options? Their quality of life? The time they're buying? THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I START TO FALL APART.
I telework these hours in a day, I make dinner, I watch my family, both families do what we do to get through days, meals, work, baths, homework, school, bedtime evening routines, BUT I WANT TO SCREAM. I want to process this, I want to stop this, I want to go back, I want to stop thinking of how life has changed, how it will change, what this will do to us all. So, I'm starting to grieve on here. It is hard to say all that I want to say to anyone because it seems like with our newly expanded families, all that is going on in our lives, there is not enough time in a day. There is just never enough time.
I know people who have lost parents and I've always known that the loss of either of my parents will rock my world. That life will stop and change as I know it. And I never understand how it feels to have to move on, that life for many goes on because I feel like I know in my heart, that time will go on, but I will never be the same. And I fear it. I fear it for Gregg and for my children.
I know I may be putting the cart before the horse and we don't know what this week means in the short or long term right now, but I write out of fear, out of pain, out of sadness. And this is my forum and I need to get it out. I love my Mom the world over and the reality is I NEED my Mom. As an adult, it seems I need her more than ever. And to see that she isn't herself this week and I don't know when she will be... I feel lost without her.
Today, Tomorrow, Forever
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
To Stop Time- The Blessing of Grandparents
As always, I wish I had more time, more time to write on this. For myself, for my kids. I wish I was the kind of Mom who had took more time to do this, for more reasons than I can count. For the longest time, it was because I wanted to go back and do it all in chronological order. So, for years, I didn't get there. So, I'm going to just write when I can and when am driven to put thoughts down.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to town to visit even though in a few short weeks, we would be coming to Minnesota for an extended two month stay with them in order to have some good time in with my Mom and my family while she is still feeling well.
We were in the kitchen, and Kaylen went running up to Mima, my Mom, and just threw her arms around her and said, "I love you, Mima!". It's the kind of I love yous that I live for. For no reason at all, driving in the car, sitting next to me on the couch while watching her show, just hanging out... for no reason, I love you. I try to say it to her as much as I can and as random as I can, so that she never questions how much I love her, but to hear it from her makes my world stop just for a minute. And in that minute, my heart is truly truly happy.
And it was in that same minute that she said it to my Mom, the way she did, that makes my heart truly happy and in the same moment, completely break. She knows the love of my Mom right now in all the ways she should. In the ways I want her to remember forever. It truly crushes me at my core to know that someday, she won't be able to go running up to her and just say it. When you have to look cancer square in the face, it truly sucks. You feel time weigh down on you like never before. Because we just don't know what kind of time we get, with my Mom, with anyone. But the fear of losing my parents has forever weighed on me and now that I have to face it, I hate it all the more for my children.
It is the reason we came. The reason we put our Oregon lives on pause to come to Minnesota, knowing it would be hard in many ways on all of us, but with the hope that we would make some day to day, etched in stone, forever in memory, pictures to reflect them, moments in time we can have forever. I want Kaylen to never forget. And when I look at our sweet son, knowing there is the chance he won't get the kind of time that Kaylen has had, that he might not remember, my heart aches in a way now I hate to understand. And those, including my Mom, that have said, she won't remember me, or he won't know what he's missing, I think that's the most unacceptable part of it all. That's not fair. It's utter garbage. I will know. I will know what both of them miss out on. The energy that she always gives, to the last ounce, before and even after she was diagnosed with lung cancer, the time she spent/ spends doting on them, reading, then playing, then doing puzzles, then singing, shopping, then gardening, baking, then adventuring, until she has no energy left, just to see these kids happy.... I WILL KNOW. I will know what they're missing out on and THAT is what completely breaks my heart.
My children have been blessed with amazing grandparents and I am so grateful. They have four incredible people who all love them with all their heart who will stop what they're doing to love them, to help them, to encourage them, and to help and support us. I am so grateful. Just prior to coming to Minnesota, my job made me come into work after maternity leave for the two plus weeks prior to the trip because I was local and wasn't allowed to telework. Cherie came, dropped everything, and came and took care of a three month old and a five year old which is no easy task. Completely saved me. My parents extended their stay earlier this year to take Kaylen to get her cavities filled because I couldn't because I was pregnant, Warren offered to let me go back to sleep early one morning while we passed through Star Valley on this road trip so he could bond with his brand new grandson and give me a little more sleep. My Dad has offered more times than I can count to fly out to help us and always assures us they will be there if we need them. The day when any one of these people are gone, the world will stop as I know it.
And the minute that Kaylen said I love you to my Mom exactly the way she did, exactly how she did, made me want to stop time right then and there. Even though this cancer is forcing me to face an aspect of my future I don't want to know, I will never be ready to lose her. Right now, I have a husband who works so hard and often has to spread himself so thin to make all facets of this crazy journey come full circle, I am so proud of him and thankful for him. I have two incredible, beautiful, wonderful children who literally make my heart explode with a love I could not have imagined. And we have four grandparents who love and support us and our children and dote on them in a way that is irreplaceable. Each loves them and shows them in their own way and each is so important. Kaylen is just now really getting to know on a more personal level all of her Aunts and Uncles and completely adores them. Distance makes it hard when we see just how much she loves them. And Everett is sure to follow suit.
We are incredibly blessed. Times are not always easy, but at the end of the day, we have now and we have today. And as I sit here and type this just weeks later in a struggle to combine multiple grown adults and families into my childhood home, that the good times are what I want to carry with me and I play the biggest role in my every day. I have the choice to not sweat the small stuff and make the most of the time we have. We came because this was what we wanted for our family, to know and have as much time with these people who love them because we started to feel God's clock. It's important for me to remember that we all have a clock. And in every aspect of our lives, we should make the most of the time we have. It just doesn't make sense not to. I will never EVER be ready.
A few weeks ago, my parents came to town to visit even though in a few short weeks, we would be coming to Minnesota for an extended two month stay with them in order to have some good time in with my Mom and my family while she is still feeling well.
We were in the kitchen, and Kaylen went running up to Mima, my Mom, and just threw her arms around her and said, "I love you, Mima!". It's the kind of I love yous that I live for. For no reason at all, driving in the car, sitting next to me on the couch while watching her show, just hanging out... for no reason, I love you. I try to say it to her as much as I can and as random as I can, so that she never questions how much I love her, but to hear it from her makes my world stop just for a minute. And in that minute, my heart is truly truly happy.
And it was in that same minute that she said it to my Mom, the way she did, that makes my heart truly happy and in the same moment, completely break. She knows the love of my Mom right now in all the ways she should. In the ways I want her to remember forever. It truly crushes me at my core to know that someday, she won't be able to go running up to her and just say it. When you have to look cancer square in the face, it truly sucks. You feel time weigh down on you like never before. Because we just don't know what kind of time we get, with my Mom, with anyone. But the fear of losing my parents has forever weighed on me and now that I have to face it, I hate it all the more for my children.
It is the reason we came. The reason we put our Oregon lives on pause to come to Minnesota, knowing it would be hard in many ways on all of us, but with the hope that we would make some day to day, etched in stone, forever in memory, pictures to reflect them, moments in time we can have forever. I want Kaylen to never forget. And when I look at our sweet son, knowing there is the chance he won't get the kind of time that Kaylen has had, that he might not remember, my heart aches in a way now I hate to understand. And those, including my Mom, that have said, she won't remember me, or he won't know what he's missing, I think that's the most unacceptable part of it all. That's not fair. It's utter garbage. I will know. I will know what both of them miss out on. The energy that she always gives, to the last ounce, before and even after she was diagnosed with lung cancer, the time she spent/ spends doting on them, reading, then playing, then doing puzzles, then singing, shopping, then gardening, baking, then adventuring, until she has no energy left, just to see these kids happy.... I WILL KNOW. I will know what they're missing out on and THAT is what completely breaks my heart.
My children have been blessed with amazing grandparents and I am so grateful. They have four incredible people who all love them with all their heart who will stop what they're doing to love them, to help them, to encourage them, and to help and support us. I am so grateful. Just prior to coming to Minnesota, my job made me come into work after maternity leave for the two plus weeks prior to the trip because I was local and wasn't allowed to telework. Cherie came, dropped everything, and came and took care of a three month old and a five year old which is no easy task. Completely saved me. My parents extended their stay earlier this year to take Kaylen to get her cavities filled because I couldn't because I was pregnant, Warren offered to let me go back to sleep early one morning while we passed through Star Valley on this road trip so he could bond with his brand new grandson and give me a little more sleep. My Dad has offered more times than I can count to fly out to help us and always assures us they will be there if we need them. The day when any one of these people are gone, the world will stop as I know it.
And the minute that Kaylen said I love you to my Mom exactly the way she did, exactly how she did, made me want to stop time right then and there. Even though this cancer is forcing me to face an aspect of my future I don't want to know, I will never be ready to lose her. Right now, I have a husband who works so hard and often has to spread himself so thin to make all facets of this crazy journey come full circle, I am so proud of him and thankful for him. I have two incredible, beautiful, wonderful children who literally make my heart explode with a love I could not have imagined. And we have four grandparents who love and support us and our children and dote on them in a way that is irreplaceable. Each loves them and shows them in their own way and each is so important. Kaylen is just now really getting to know on a more personal level all of her Aunts and Uncles and completely adores them. Distance makes it hard when we see just how much she loves them. And Everett is sure to follow suit.
We are incredibly blessed. Times are not always easy, but at the end of the day, we have now and we have today. And as I sit here and type this just weeks later in a struggle to combine multiple grown adults and families into my childhood home, that the good times are what I want to carry with me and I play the biggest role in my every day. I have the choice to not sweat the small stuff and make the most of the time we have. We came because this was what we wanted for our family, to know and have as much time with these people who love them because we started to feel God's clock. It's important for me to remember that we all have a clock. And in every aspect of our lives, we should make the most of the time we have. It just doesn't make sense not to. I will never EVER be ready.
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