Denial can be a beautiful and harmful thing all at the same time. I've gone through my phases with my Mom's diagnosis of lung cancer, but the first year of treatment, all in all, went well, everything considered. Small cell lung cancer is a difficult cancer to "beat", but she was as successful as she could be buying more time. Her oncologist remained positive that her treatments were working and though there have been hard times for her, overall, she maintained a level of energy it took to live her life.
When the news first came, it hit me hard. Hard, hard. I flew out to Minnesota immediately, leaving my husband and daughter alone for Thanksgiving to be with my Mom for a few days last year. Those couple months were rough as the dreams I had of making it closer to my parents as they were getting older would most likely come not soon enough. That my children would not be able to create all the memories I dreamed of them having with my parents, in their home, at their river house. To be doted on for years to come the way my Mom always seemed to find the energy to do. That we could be around to help, have dinners, take trips. That they would be able to enjoy a night here and there with the kids as Gregg and I enjoyed a date night out. These dreams would be just dreams. The memories we have made and would continue to make in the time we have left will be what we live on for the rest of our lives. AND IT BREAKS MY HEART. It is never enough, there will never be enough time with the people we love. The memories I have, that my family has, that my daughter has of my Mom and my parents will never be enough. I want MORE.
And though I have grieved the future and had my bouts with denial as my Mom's energy has been pretty good here and there with the visits we have had from them in Portland, this week it hits again HARD.
My Mom is like I've never seen her. She can hardly walk, talk, function, much less do all the things she typically does being her busy bee self. She has taken out things to clean the bathroom or makes offers to help with dinner and I KNOW this won't happen. It didn't happen yesterday and it won't happen today. She offers to help with Everett, to hold him, to watch him while I try to work and I know she can't. There have been sugar cookies made for a week with frosting she colored for Kaylen to put the final touches on it sitting on the counter for a week. Sure, I could do it with Kaylen amidst trying to take care of other things that have to happen for both families, but the point is. I CAN'T do it. It is what they do. They make cookies on their visits. My MOM makes these cookies with Kaylen at Christmas. I CAN'T DO IT. I can make my own with her in my house when my Mom isn't there, but I CAN'T do these cookies. I am waiting. Waiting for my Mom to feel better. But the truth is, we don't know when or if she will. They say this could be the effects of the chemo, but if that is so, is this the point where people have to consider their options? Their quality of life? The time they're buying? THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I START TO FALL APART.
I telework these hours in a day, I make dinner, I watch my family, both families do what we do to get through days, meals, work, baths, homework, school, bedtime evening routines, BUT I WANT TO SCREAM. I want to process this, I want to stop this, I want to go back, I want to stop thinking of how life has changed, how it will change, what this will do to us all. So, I'm starting to grieve on here. It is hard to say all that I want to say to anyone because it seems like with our newly expanded families, all that is going on in our lives, there is not enough time in a day. There is just never enough time.
I know people who have lost parents and I've always known that the loss of either of my parents will rock my world. That life will stop and change as I know it. And I never understand how it feels to have to move on, that life for many goes on because I feel like I know in my heart, that time will go on, but I will never be the same. And I fear it. I fear it for Gregg and for my children.
I know I may be putting the cart before the horse and we don't know what this week means in the short or long term right now, but I write out of fear, out of pain, out of sadness. And this is my forum and I need to get it out. I love my Mom the world over and the reality is I NEED my Mom. As an adult, it seems I need her more than ever. And to see that she isn't herself this week and I don't know when she will be... I feel lost without her.
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